“Black Friday” Indeed

November 29, 2008 / Posted by:

When I first read these two horrific stories yesterday, my first thought was “Only in fucking America” and that’s the damn truth. Every year, we hear of bitches getting into knife fights over the last Bratz doll or choking each other for a discounted portable DVD player, but this shit right here is beyond disgusting. Beyond.

At a Wal-Mart (of course) in Long Island, NY yesterday, 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour, a temporary maintenance worker, tried to help to control the crowd of blood-thirsty zombies that stormed into the store at 5am for holiday discounts on dumb shit like X-boxes and flat-screen TVs. The crowd was so hungry to get their fat, greasy hands on stupid shit that they knocked the man over and kept on going. 200 crazies trampled over the man, killing him. He died at a Wal-Mart in Long Island, the day after Thanksgiving. Even when the man was on the ground and lifeless, shoppers continued to run past him like he wasn’t even there.

One Wal-Mart employee, who was also knocked down in the stampede, said, “He was bum-rushed by 200 people. They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down, too … I didn’t know if I was going to live through it. I literally had to fight people off my back.

Damour’s family members were told that he died of a heart attack. Four shoppers, including a pregnant women, were also injured. When shoppers were told that they had to leave because an employee had died, they started shouting “I’ve been on line since Friday morning!!!

Wal-Mart’s spokeswhore, SATAN, issued this statement: “We expected a large crowd this morning and added additional internal security, additional third-party security, additional store associates and we worked closely with the Nassau County police. We also erected barricades. Despite all of our precautions, this unfortunate event occurred.”

Unfortunate event?! An unfortunate event was me almost pooping my pants yesterday. This is way, way, way beyond an “unfortunate event.” You know, it makes so much sense that this happened at Wal-Mart, the epitome of American grossness. I hope that on Christmas morning, when the Wal-Mart savages’ children are opening their stupid presents, they tell them “I hope you like it, because I had to kill a man for it.

And on the other side of the country, two men died at a Toys ‘R Us in Palm Desert, CA. According to the L.A. Times, two chicks started arguing inside the store. One witness said it might have been over a toy, but another witness said it was over personal issues between them. Both were with dudes. One of the dudes pulled out a gun, shot it in the air and then shot the other man. It’s assumed that the man who was shot also had a gun and used it to shoot the other dude. They both died.

What the fuck is wrong with America? Even wild animals behave better than we do. Stories like this make me want to donate all my shit to charity and go live in the woods for the rest of my life. People suck.

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