They Won’t Be Screaming This Year

November 21, 2008 / Posted by:

Oprah’s Favorite Things episode is my favorite of the year, because you get to watch bitches spontaneously combust over and over again. I have a feeling that this year’s episode will be filled with groans instead of screams of joy. Oprah has announced that since the economy is fucked up, she’s going to do a welfare version of her annual Favorite Things list. Yup, the Big O is getting down with the poor folk.

This statement was released: “They’re some of Oprah’s favorite things, but this time there’s a twist…they cost next to nothing.

So her audience gets a flower pot made from old yogurt containers and Oprah gets to go home to her solid gold toilet?

The statement goes on to say that some dumb whore comes on the show to teach everyone how to make “a one-of-a-kind treasure that comes straight from the heart.” What if you don’t have one of those? Does she teach you how to make a one-of-a-kind treasure that comes straight from the genitals?

At the end of the show, Oprah presents her audience with a very special holiday gift that doesn’t cost one cent.

I’m still going to watch this shit, because the audience will still lose their tits when Oprah announces it’s the Favorite Things episode. And then you will slowly see their smiles turn to frowns when she starts to bring shit out like flowers made from construction paper and homemade plaster handprint plaques. Basically, it’s going to be all the shit we made in elementary school for our parents.

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