There was a time when some of us would gladly put our asses up in the air for Jean-Claude Van Damme, but nowadays we’d only raise our butts to fart in his fug face. His FACE! He looks like the bastard love child of the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a downsy iguana. Jean-Claude still thinks he’s got the shit, because he’s still shamelessly hitting on girls old enough to be his daughter. Jean-Claude is infamous for being a manwhore who can’t keep his cheesy peen in his surfer pants, so it’s no surprise that he hit on a 22-year-old reporter from Newsweek during an interview.
Sarah Ball talked to 48-year-old Jean-Claude about his new movie “JCVD” and the conversation quickly turned creepy. Oh and JC is currently married to wifey #5:
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you’ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I ‘m 22.
Oh, fuck. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don’t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.
Jean-Claude forgot to say one very important thing. He forgot to say, “You are very elegant.” Did he not learn anything from Dimitri the Lover?!
With all that being said, I’d still put on a black dress, slip on some black high heels, peel the skin off of Jean-Claude’s fruit and cut his very hard seed. That sounds like some Lorena Bobbitt shit.