As you can see from the big yellow letters above, Hugh Jackman is People’s Sexiest Man Alive. And as you can see from my headline, Carrot Top was once again robbed! Why does People Magazine hate carrots so much? Maybe they figured that if they put him on the cover an all-out riot would break out, because bitches would stab each other in the eyes to get a copy. Yeah, that’s probably it. He better not get passed up for People’s Sexiest Mutant Alive title.
I guess Hugh Jackman is a close second behind Carrot Top. I’m okay with the cover, but it needs more…um…more…nudity. And the cover also should have been Hugh making THIS FACE. Now that shit is sexy.
Hugh said that when his wife found out he was the sexiest man alive, she said, “Obviously, Brad wasn’t available this year.” Just like Kim from the “Housewives of Atlanta” (see below), Hugh’s wife is a vampire who can’t see her own reflection in the mirror. If I was her, I would’ve shouted, “OH YES! You’re the sexiest bitch past, present and future. You are hotter than a Wonky’s pussy in a convection oven. Please never leave me. Please! Please!” Because the woman should be sucking the cheddar out of his peen for staying with her.
The rest of People’s list includes some of the usual suspects:
Daniel Craig – I give this pick two dildo claps!
Jon Hamm – See above and add an extra clap!
Zac Efron – No, but he’s a shoo-in for the sexiest pretty princess award!
Robert Buckley – Stop trying to make “Lipstick Jungle” happen!
Blair Underwood – Fuck, fuck yes.
Ed Westwick – See above and add two extra fucks.
Michael Phelps – No. The body is sexy, but the face didn’t get the memo.
Blake Shelton – Who?!
Lang Lang – See above and add an extra question mark.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar – Is it 1990 again?
Javier Bardem – My no-no approves!
Robert Pattinson – His magical hair has hypnotized me into approving.
Joshua Jackson – Ew! Gross! Barf!
David Beckham – We get it, Becks is hot. Time to move on….
Click here if you want to see Hugh’s interview interview along with pictures and shit.
Cover VIA Cover Awards