Don’t Do It, Charlize!

November 5, 2008 / Posted by:

Yes, that picture is fucking old. It’s when Tommy Girl wasn’t a creepy butt plug and Charlize Theron was poor. Well, poorer than she is now.

Charlize Theron is about to break my no-heart by agreeing to star opposite John Travolta’s scissor sister in a movie called “The Tourist.” It’s a remake of the 2005 French film. Coming Soon reports that Charlize is in talks to play an “Interpol agent who uses an American tourist in an attempt to flush out an elusive criminal with whom she once had an affair.”

I don’t know why, but I’ve always had a strange love for Charlize. Dumb whores always call me on it. Some think she’s like a dry potato pancake, but I can’t help it. Ever since she slow-danced with Alien Head Ricci to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in “Monster,” I’ve been hooked. I’ve seen all her shit shows in the theaters including “Hancock” and “Aeon Flux.

This is why I’m starting to weep on the inside at the thought of Charlize kissing Tommy’s pasty pony elf mouth. He’s going to need a booster seat to film the sex scenes.

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