After waiting in line for 8 hours to vote today, go down to Starbucks and wait in another line for your free tall cup of coffee! Drink that down and then skip on over to Krispy Kreme for a free star-shaped donut. Make sure you save a little of the glaze, you’re going to need that later. Once you’ve gobbled down the donut, do the running man while making your way to Ben & Jerry’s. Wash down the donut with a free scoop of ice cream. You’re still not done! Then slide into Babeland sex shop for a free “Silver Bullet” mini-vibrator. After that, you can go home and put a little glaze from your donut on your new vibrator. Then as vibrate your way to utopia, congratulate yourself for doing your part as an American!
All of these joints are offering free shit if you tell them you voted today. Apparently, this might be against the law, but the attorney general said they won’t be pressing charges. Phew. I guess that means I can still set up my “Cast Your Vote, Get A Free Handjob” booth outside of polling places.