The poorest-looking rich person in Hollywood won some dumb lawsuit brought against him by a money-hungry pap who sued him for $704, 974. Alison Silva sued Keanu Reeves because while he was taking pictures of his homeless ass last March, he was hit by his Porsche. Alison claims his wrist is permanently fucked up and he couldn’t work for a while.
During the four day long trial, the jurors heard Alison totally mess up his testimony by giving contradictory statements. Jurors were also shown a video of Alison using his effed up hand to climb a wire fence to get pictures of Our Lady of Cheetos. Keanu denied he hit Alison and said the pap was injured by tripping over his own feet while walking backwards. HA! Stupid pappie!
The jury was unanimous and it look them less than a day to decide.
If I was a juror on this extremely important case, I would only have two questions! #1: Why does the pap have a girly name? I bet his brothers are named Barbara and Karen. His sisters are John and Brian. #2: What does Keanu’s beard have against him? It doesn’t want to grow right! He obviously needs to be nicer to it.