Leading whores in Hollyweird are breathing a sigh of relief today after learning that Jessica Simpson’s war epic “Major Movie Star” is going straight to DVD, which means she won’t be a contender for the Best Actress Oscar anymore.
Even though Jessica’s visionary masterpiece was a huge hit in Russia, it won’t be released in theaters in North America. Not even the $1 movie theater off the highway is going to show this caca mess. The shit show will also get a name change. You know, because changing the name makes us forget that Jessica has the acting skills of one of your morning butt nuggets.
“Major Movie Star” will now be known as “Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous” and will be coming to a dusty Dollar Tree cutout bin near you on February 3rd. I didn’t think it was possible, but they made a dumb title even dumber. They should have just changed the name to “SALE 99CENTS,” because it will be covered in discount stickers by the end of the first day.
There’s hope, though! The movie will premiere in theaters in Bulgaria next month! Chestica is becoming The Hoff of Eastern Europe!
Jessica’s last shot at acting “Blonde Ambition” made $1,300 after showing in just 8 theaters in Texas. After that, it went straight to the bins!
Okay, Papa Joe, now that it’s been confirmed that Jessica KILLS movies, can we just set fire to that chapter already? Jessica’s only working brain cell needs to focus on things she’s good at like….um…. err…. um…. errr…. carrying Daisy around?