Fishy’s Guide To Looking Like Poop

Always wanted to look like a leftover soggy fishstick without a deliciously flaky crust? Well, you’re in luck! Fishstick Paltrow’s latest Goop “rhymes with poop” newsletter is all about health!

Fishy says with the help of three doctors in London, NYC and Los Angeles, she’s found ways to deal with some health problems including pneumonia, anemia, stress and stick-up-ass syndrome. Obviously, she still hasn’t found a cure for the latter one.

Here’s what Fishy and her doctors recommend:

Sleep eight hours for two weeks. If you need help use herbs like valerian and chamomile. (Note from MK: Does weed count?)

Police your thoughts and deal with your feelings constructively. Most of the background chatter in our mind is worrying, judging, criticizing, defending and complaining. (Note from MK: FUCK THAT!)

Eliminate all white foods including flour and sugar. (Note from MK: Does that include coke?)

Don’t eat for 12 hours after your last meal.

After two weeks of sleeping and eating better, you’ll have the energy to exercise. Begin as you like.

If you are totally out of shape. Start by walking 15 minutes a day and add a minute every day for the first month. At the end of a month, you’ll be up to 45 minutes a day, which should make you ready for whatever more strenuous form of exercise you want to try.

Don’t drink a lot of caffeine or alcohol. (Note from MK: This bitch is stupid!)

This explains why Fishy is a pretentious drip with the sense of humor of a slug. The bitch needs more booze and sugar in her life! I’m functioning just fine on a strict carbs and sugar-only diet. Yes, I constantly have the sugar shakes, but that’s a form of exercise!

Click here to read Fishy’s entire newsletter of poop.