Michael Lohan should just change his name to STFU, because that’s the first thing I think of whenever I see his name. Over the weekend, at some party in NYC, Michael told New York Magazine that he needs to start keeping his family shit private. Yeah, this turtle-necked motherfucker is talking to the media about how he shouldn’t talk to the media. The hell?
Specifically, Michael is sowwy for calling SamRo meanie mean names. He said (pinch your nose, because his words smell like caca), “I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha. I’m a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone. In the past, I felt that the best way to get to her was to speak out publicly. And it was the wrong choice. Family matters should be kept private. I’ve learned that now.”
Michael suffers from a rare condition called Chronic Mouth Diarrhea. I also suffer from this, but there’s no cure for me. However, there is a cure for Michael. You see that hideous cell phone holder on his waist that’s burning my eyes? In order to fix his problem, Michael just has to take that thing and shove it all the way down his throat. It would shut him up and it would also make that fugly ass cell holder disappear. Two birds!