Dear Mary Louise, Get Yourself A Paper Shredder

There are certain things that every home should have: a double-sided dildo, a George Foreman grill and a paper shredder. The latter can be used for everything from destroying pictures of your exes to shredding love letters you have written to Carrot Top but never have gotten the courage to send. And if the IRS ever knocks on your door, then you don’t have to worry about trying to eat all your documents, because you have a handy shredder at your disposal! A shredder is exactly the kind of gadget Mary Louise Parker needs.

You see, some trash trolls (cough*olsens*cough) have been sifting through the trash cans of celebrities in the West Village part of Manhattan. The trash trolls are spilling whatever shit they find to the papers. One of the trash trolls recently sent a letter to Page Six claiming they went through Mary Louise Parker’s crap and found drug prescriptions for thyroid medication. Yeah, thrilling shit.

A West Village resident said, “This is incredibly creepy. It’s like nothing is sacred. I hope they find the nut job who’s doing this.”

That kind of crap is common around these parts. I often see scallywags going through the trash hoping to find something good. I don’t know what’s worth going through the trash, because people throw away some effed up shit. Yeah, you might find one of Mary Louise’s prescriptions, but imagine all the doody, dirty tampons and chunky vomit you’d have to go through to get to it.