Tommy Girl Is Taking Over The East Village

Please stock up on Easy Mac, Count Chocula and Astrolglide, because I might be coming over for a lengthy visit soon. You see, Tommy Girl is taking over the East Village part of Manhattan! T

Page Six reports that in the last two months Tommy Girl has bought up several apartments in his East Village building. When Tommy and his lil’ robots came to town, they set up camp in a 10th floor apartment he’s owned since the 80s. They decided they needed to expand, so he bought 4 more apartments.

A source said, “They turned one into Suri‘s playroom. One they use for a gym, and two apartments are for staff. They’re all separate and on different floors. Tom is seen coming in and out all the time, and he’s really friendly to everyone he meets. But Katie just kind of keeps her head down. Everyone in the neighborhood is buzzing about it.”

This is how it starts. Soon Tommy will own the whole building and then another and another and another… Before you know it the neighborhood be filled with robots, alien fuckers and repressed homos with hungry genitals. Wait. Repressed homos are a sure thing, right? What am I thinking?! If I suck Scientolocock, the aliens win! E.T. will never get me!