Hef Confirms The Obvious

October 9, 2008 / Posted by:

82-year-old Hugh Hefner has confirmed to E!’s Marc Malkin that his fairytale romance with Holly Madison has ended its run. I’m sure he also confirmed to Marc that he just went doody in his undies, but that’s another issue!

Hef said, “If she says it’s over, it’s over. But like I’ve said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her.” Um….so they would have been together for six more months? I kid! Hef is going to live forever. The future of Viagra depends on it.

The Playboy pepaw popped a Werther’s Original in his mouth and said the relationship started to go downhill six months ago after they found out he isn’t able to father another child. He said, With my sperm count, it’s not possible. I was willing but it was not possible…She’d like to be married and have children, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Yeah, when your sperm count is in the negative digits, you’re probably not going to be able to get the job done.

Hef said that his relationship with Kendra will be ending when she moves out of the house by the end of the year. He didn’t say anything about Bridget, because let’s be honest, she doesn’t matter. She probably moved out a while ago and he didn’t even notice! Gizmo needs to stay, though.

There are new skanks in the mansion. Hef has moved in 19-year-old orange twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (above). He said, They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends.”

I know these twin whores are the color of Hef’s favorite drink, Metamucil, but this is ridiculous. They look like two week-old Halloween pumpkins who really need to be kicked into the middle of the street. If Hef has an orange fetish, he should just stick his shriveled turtle dick into a tangerine. Less hassle.

And there’s also one other chick who will be sucking on Hef’s dough dick very soon. Amy Leigh Andrews is testing this week and he said she will likely become one of his girlfriends too. I’m dancing as fast as I can.”

When Hef dances, medics have to stand by.

It’s the end of an era! Hef’s new girlfriends are a little on the old side, though. I guess there weren’t any sexy unborn fetuses available.

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