RDJ: Retired Compulsive Masturbator

October 6, 2008 / Posted by:

If you were Robert Downey Jr., you would probably be obsessed with touching your own peen too. So it’s no surprise that RDJ used to be a chronic tube tugger, but he has sworn off glazing his knuckles after spending so many years of his life having tender and warm moments with himself. Now that he’s married, I guess he finds it unnecessary to get off at all, as happens with most enslaved…. I mean, married men. What a sad, sad thing.

He tells Now Magazine, “I was a compulsive, serial masturbator, but it was the best thing I could have been. I utilized that organ and rode it for everything it was worth.”

He rode his own organ? What? The fuck? How does that work exactly? Does he give private lessons on how to ride your own again?

And what dude hasn’t been obsessed with doing sexy times to themselves? When you learn the joys of driving stick shift, you really can’t stop……until your peen goes raw and you start dry cumming.

RDJ goes on to say that he’s outgrown the urge to purge his testicles and “It’s no longer a motivating factor for me. My union with Susan is sacred. Almost always, guys want to get laid. They have a girlfriend, they want to fuck her friend. But I’m not that guy.”

This I don’t understand. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t squeeze the sausage every now and again. Shit. Most married bitches probably get more action from their five little skin friends than from the ho their married to.

RDJ, if you need help getting back on the jack off wagon, look me up in the Yellow Pages. Seriously. I’m listed in the Yellow Pages under “Hand Job Coaches.”

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