Rachael Ray Won’t Be Silenced

The National Enquirer ran a story this week claiming Rachael Ray’s doctors found a growth on her throat that requires surgery and will leave her silent for two months. Oh. I just learned I have telekinetic powers, because I know exactly what you’re thinking and I couldn’t fucking agree with you more.

Well, Rachael says the Enquirer is lie-telling and her chicken pot pie hole won’t be shut for two months.

E-V-O-that-sucks.

However, Rachael is having a minor surgery to remove a benign cyst on her vocal cord. A friend says she’s not sick and is totally fine. Her spokeswhore tells People, “It’s a common in-and-out procedure that she will have in early December and it will not adversely effect any of her daytime show or Food Network tapings.”

Well, it’s lovely to know that we’ll still be subjected to Rachael’s beautiful sandpaper trucker voice for years to come! I can just listen to her talk all day long. I can’t get enough. Rachael can blab while I put rusty nails in my eyes. When I put hot knives in my ears, she can keep talking. She can even keep yapping while I stick acid covered needles in my pee hole. I can listen to her forever and ever and ever….. until Hell finally takes pity on me and swallows me whole.