Dear Jessica, The Angels Want You To Stop

I had to dig fucking deep while watching “Dancing with the Has-Beens” last night. I faced the ultimate test when Jessica Simpson opened her mouth and sang the most whoreiffic version of Robbie Williams’ “Angels” I have ever heard. It sounded like an obese bull frog getting gang banged on bumpy train. You could probably hear the angels wailing in pain if it wasn’t for Jessica’s butt fuck yodel. Next time she should lip-sync like her sister.

And you know what made it even worse? My nemesis CHERYL BURKE took the stage with Maksim! My senses were violated over and over again! Not only did my ears have to deal with Jessica’s croaking, but my eyes had to deal with watching CHERYL BURKE’S back fat sliding back and forth and her mop head bouncing around. The word “torture” was invented to describe that whole performance. The FCC should have shut it down for indecency.

Thankfully, the show redeemed itself when Kim KardASSIAN and her useless big ass were kicked off. Mark Ballas should have just danced with a blow-up doll. He probably would have gotten more emotion out of it.

With Kim leaving that means the real star of the show, Cloris Leachman, gets to dance another week! Viva crazy memaws!