The Emmys are probably the most sleep-inducing awards show in all the land, so let’s all hold hands and try and make the best of it. This is what Cojo would want us to do and he’s Chastity Bono’s long-lost twin, so he knows what’s good.
If you have nothing better to do, grab a bottle of Boones Farms, park your lazy ass on the couch, switch your TV from the Spice Channel to ABC and join me as we watch all these TV hos read lines off of a teleprompter. Exciting shit. Oh and don’t forget to say a little prayer hoping Eva LongWHORIA falls on her ass!!!
This Lunesta fiesta is like ten hours long, so I’m splitting it into two posts.
Part 1 will cover 8pm to 10pm. Part 2 will cover 10pm and beeeeeyoooond. Part 1 after the jump. I lied. I’m going to do all of it in one post. It’s going to be long as hell, but your mouse can use the exercise. It’s all after the jump. JUMP!!!!
7:59pm – This shit is going to be looooong. If I start to sound more fucked up than usual, it’s because I’m drunk. And if you start to see adakjfladsjfksljflksdf, it’s probably because I passed out on my keyboard. Don’t call the doctor. I can sleep it off.
8:01pm – Oh god. A comedy montage. There’s going to be a million of these, right?! But Dana Delany just gave my clit a boner.
8:01pm – WHY THE FUCK IS HELEN MIRREN part of this montage? Helen and that skank Patricia Heaton in the same montage? This is not right! Run away from this shit, Helen!
8:02pm – IT’S OPRAH! Everybody bow down before Gayle puts a hit out on you!
8:03pm – Why does Oprah talk like she’s God? That’s because she IS!
8:03pm – Oprah just patted her own vagina for introducing books to all of us through the power of TV.
8:03pm – OPRAH SHUT UP. This is already too long. Oh shit! Did I just type that. Don’t take me O! I’m not ready for death!
8:04pm – Heidi Klum in a tux! You know Gaycrest wants Heidi to top him in that tux.
8:05pm – I’m sure Jeff Probst has “DONE” Gaycrest’s house many times.
8:05pm – FYI: THIS IS AWFUL!
8:07pm – 7 minutes in and I already wish I was eating a stale taco at a DMV instead. WAKE ME!
8:08pm – William Shatner just took the stage. Hopefully he will save this mess. And they tried to save it by ripping off Heidi’s tux revealing something out of Gaycrest’s closet. Seriously, it’s a good thing Gaycrest wasn’t around. He would dry heave at seeing Heidi’s crotch.
8:09pm – TINA FEY!!!! And the pregnant lady who plays Hillary Clinton all the time. And she just say “meatballs.” I wish I had meatballs right now.
8:10pm – Neil Patrick Harris better win this shit or a gay kitty is going to kill itself!
8:11pm – A GAY KITTY HAS JUST DIED! Jeremy Piven won Best Support Douche for like the 50th time.
8:11pm – Please go into “roofing” Jeremy Piven. Please go. And take that polyester shit on your head with you.
8:12pm – For once, I’m excited to be watching commercials. They are way more entertaining than that shit we just watched. It’s going to be a very long night.
8:15pm – Bruce Grayson scares me. I bet you he uses foundation as lube.
8:16pm – Is Ryan sitting on a booster seat? How is he almost as tall as Tom Bergeron?
8:18pm – Julia Louise Dreyfus is wearing a well…she looks boring. THEY ALL LOOK BORING BECAUSE THEY ARE!
8:19pm – Vanessa Williams better win this shit or another gay kitten will off itself.
8:20pm – FUCK! A gay kitten is dead. ANOTHER ONE! The Emmys is responsible for the deaths of so many gay kittens. Jean Smart aka the hottest bitch in Designing Women just won Best Supporting Actress.
8:22pm – Did Jean Smart just thank her show’s timeslot? Or am I already really drunk? Please take these people to the personality doctors.
8:25pm – Jeff Probst’s hair looks like a fucking pubic wig. I heard he was into trannies. Off-topic, but that tidbit is important for this night. Just imagine Jeff giving it to a chick with a dick. It will get you through the rest of this.
8:27pm – BOTOX FIESTA! All the hos of Desperate Wives are on the cheapest looking set ever. The living room set on “Price is Right” looks more expensive than that crap!
8:28pm – FALL EVA, FALL!!!!!
8:29pm – I think Zeljko Ivanek should win, because I want to heard those dumb hags fuck up his name.
8:30pm – YES!!!!! Zeljko won and Dana fucked up his name. AHAHA! My wish has come true. Okay, my night is getting better. But that’s not saying much.
8:30pm – I would eat Ricky Gervais’ toe jam if he wanted me to. Please save this show, Ricky!
8:31pm – Ricky is stroking his hand a lot and it’s makes me feel uncomfortable and hot at the same time.
8:31pm – Another fucking montage, but Jackee Harry is in that shit, so I can deal.
8:32pm – Somebody give Pony Parker a carrot. She’s even annoying in montages. If you’re even annoying in montages, it’s time to ride off into the sunset.
8:33pm – Does Steven Carrell’s wife speak? She’s sitting there like she only speaks when spoken to. Is she a gold digger? She might be one to watch.
8:34pm – Who is that hot bitch with the red skunk hair behind Steve?! She should be hosting this crap.
8:35pm – BORING CATEGORY! Best Directing in a something rather that’s on TV. A really excited dude with white hair just won. He’s in some truck. He’s making a lot of hand gestures. He’s probably really good at hand jobs. Ferocious hjs.
8:41pm – Why does Simpsons-ized Conan O’Brien have Raisinettes on his cheeks?
8:42pm – Conan just dissed Katherine Heigl. MUST. MARRY. HIM. AT. LEAST. THREE. TIMES.
8:43pm – Dianne Weist just won Best Supporting Actress in a boring show, but she’s busy acting alongside a robot named Stepford Katie on Broadway.
8:44pm – WTF IS JLOVE WEARING?!!!!
8:44pm – I think a group of raccoons had an orgy on JLove’s head before she presented this award. And that dress isn’t even Midwest-prom cute. She’s taking attention off of Hayden Panatroll, so that works for me.
8:45pm – I always love it when the show the videos for the Best Writer Category. This is probably going to be the highlight of the night.
8:46pm – OMG!!! The SNL writers as Wii characters. Can I tell you that I’m addicted to fucking Wii. It’s how I get my exercise. That explains everything.
8:47pm – The Colber Report just won best writing or something. I wanted the SNL Wii people to win.
8:48pm – Do you think Stephen Colbert manscapes? And Allison Silverman needs to put her dress to sleep in a steam bath.
8:49pm – OH FUCK. The accountants just came out with the Deal or Deal prostitutes. That was fucking exciting. Honestly. Compared to Howie Mandell. It was really exciting.
8:51pm – Steve Martin is here and I don’t think he’s aged in the past 25 years. His hair is whiter and fluffier than ever. I want to take a nap in it.
8:52pm – Steve Martin is presenting a special fancy award to someone named Tommy Smothers for writing funnies. Tommy Smothers sounds like the name of a delicious brand of jam. Tommy is wearing a purple tie when he clearly should be wearing a Rasberry tie with a name like Tommy Smothers.
8:54pm – Do you think Tommy Smothers manscapes? Get used to it. I’m going to ask this question about every dude on that stage.
8:55pm – Tina Fey is sleeping with her eyes open.
8:56pm – I like the other Smothers Brother better. He’s wearing a bow tie. Tommy Smothers won’t get off the stage. Where’s the gong when you need it?
9:01pm – And did you think this night could get anymore snoozefesty? Well it can. Josh Groban is fucking singing. Wait…..he’s singing the Friends theme. WHAT. THE. FUCK!
9:02pm – Okay, Josh Groban is singing a bunch of TV themes. He just sang the Mr. Rogers theme. He sounds like a child toucher with a lisp.
9:03pm – The drum playing muppet played a few beats and then went into the sky. Josh is now singing The South Park theme. I think I’m on acid. Acid and NyQuil. This is every shade of bizarre.
9:04pm – JOSH IS SINGING THE COPS THEME. NO! JOSH! Don’t touch the Cops theme. That theme is sacred.
9:05pm – Thousands of women in mom jeans are busting a shit load of panty pudding over this Josh Groban performance.
9:06pm – Honestly, what producers on X thought Josh Groban singing this shit was a good idea? Whoever it was deserves a chode rub for me because that was so horrifically painful that it was actually entertaining.
9:06pm – Dear Alec, please call me a stupid little pig. PLEASE!
9:07pm – The category is best actress in a miniseries and basically they are all wearing bonnets and shit. Laura Linney just won for some TV movie where she had to churn butter or something.
9:14pm – Tom Burgeron just impersonated the seat fillers aka Phoebe Price.
9:14pm – OH SHIT! Now it’s a bunch of nut bucket hos doing a Laugh-In montage.”Sock it to me. No, thanks.
9:14pm – It’s a Laugh-In reunion. Where the fuck is Goldie Hawn?! But Ruth Buzzie is so fucking hot.
9:15pm – Joanne Worley is still batshit crazy. And she’s holding a rubber chicken. PP’s chicken cutlets must be going crazy.
9:16pm – That Laugh-In skit was kind of awkward. I think that’s what happens when memaws and pepaws try to memorize things.
9:17pm – The Daily Show just won Best Variety Show. I hope Joanne Worley lets Jon Stewart motorboat as a congratulations.
9:18pm – Jon Stewart is not making a political comment. Were they told they would be shot on the spot if they said anything political at all?
9:19pm – Heidi Klum said from “The Bones” instead of Bones. She’s also wearing some shit that only Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe could love.
9:20pm – LAUREN FUCKING CONRAD? At the Emmys? Who the fuck did she have to suck to get that gig? Whoever she sucked off must be pissed, because LC probably gives the worst head. Head that will make the peen go to sleep.
9:21pm – Kathryn Joosten aka the grouchy elderly ho from Desperate Housewives is presenting Best Director in a Comedy. Some pepaw in a pink tie won. All these old dudes with glasses look the same! And they sound the same too.
9:23pm – Lauren Conrad thinks she’s so fucking classy and sophisticated. Bitch, you’re on the fucking HILLS! Don’t even try it.
9:24pm – TINA FEY PALIN just won best writing!!! And for an episode called “Cooter.” That should’ve won best title of an episode. And the bitch sitting next to Alec Baldwin was totally bought from the internet.
9:31pm – Martin Sheen is on yet another broke ass set that’s supposed to look like the oval office from “The West Wing.” I’ve seen community theater productions that have nicer sets.
9:32pm – Martin is asking us to vote on November 4th. REMEMBER! Scratch out all their names and write Chicken Cutlets/The Empress of Lucite 4 Prez and VP. It’s the only way.
9:33pm – This important TV dude is so fucking gay. But I think his eye glasses are gayer.
9:34pm – He’s talking about a bunch of boring TV shit, but his eye glasses keep screaming, “HEY GIRL! WORK IT! TWO SNAPS!” Homo glasses! Power bottom glasses! His glasses bareback. I swear.
9:35pm – Christine Applegate is here looking lovely in a pretty curtain. Christian Slater is presenting with her and he still looks like a porn version of Jack Nicholson to me.
9:36pm – Fuck. Extras just lost the Best TV Movie or Special Category. Something called Recount just won. They need to RECOUNT the votes, because Extras should have won. Clearly.
9:41pm – Jeff Probst in a Dragnet costume. His tranny hooker friends are going to love that shit for playtimes later.
9:42pm – At first I thought William Petersen was Ed Norton. Do you think he manscapes? WELL! You were thinking it.
9:43pm – Tom Wilkinson just won for Best Actor in a TV Movie. He couldn’t be there and that was really fucking smart of him, because this shit sucks!
9:44pm – Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are presenting and won’t talk politics. What’s the fucking point then? But Colbert is eating prunes. Someone’s going to have shitty panties later on!
9:45pm – It could be the 8th bottle of beer I just down, but Stephen Colbert is actually making me laugh. It’s probably because he keeps saying the word “prune” over and over again and that makes me think of those stupid Olsen Trolls!
9:46pm – RECOUNT just won again! DAMN! Did anyone even see that shit?! Oh, I forgot who I’m talking to. That sounds like a smart person movie. I’m joking! You’re smart! Well, compared to me you’re probably an effin’ genius.
9:47pm – The dude who just won for directing RECOUNT is married to fucking Susannah Hoffs! They showed her and even she’s sleeping with her eyes open.
9:48pm – Some dude just won for something you don’t really care about. Go eat some cookie dough. I’ll call you when he’s done. WAIT! STAY! The dude (who won for directing John Adams) just started talking politics during his acceptance speech and they cut his ass off! DAMN! ABC is a political boner killer. Cindy McCain probably promised them ten minutes in her medicine cabinet if they kept her hubby’s name out of the show.
9:54pm – Howie Mandell talking about St. Elsewhere, but I’m not really listening to him. I’m too busy focusing on his hands. Don’t you think they are so fucking clean? Like grossly clean? I mean, he doesn’t touch anything ever, right?! Like he probably doesn’t wipe his own ass, because it grosses him out.
9:54pm – Sandra Oh just waved at someone for some reason. I hate when people wave on camera! We can’t see who you’re waving to. It’s not fair!
9:54pm – There’s a special place in heaven for Patrick Dempsey’s hair.
9:55pm – Dame Eileen Atkins just won for Best Actress in a TV Movie. She couldn’t be there either. Another smart bitch who knew this shit was going to suck. I should’ve known better.
9:56pm – Kathy Griffin is here to try and wake up all these hos! She has demanded everyone stand for Don Rickles. I’m standing, just so I can jump through the screen and rip that hideous weave off her head.
9:57pm – Don Rickles is really cute. I want him to feed me gum drops as he tells me about the old days. Kathy made a Palin/McCain joke. Like 3 people laughed. I tried, but I couldn’t do it. KATHY! Take PP’s pubic hair off your head! Seriously. That weave is fucking criminal.
9:59pm – Best Reality Show. What I’ve been waiting for. I’m still pissed as hell that America’s Next Top Model wasn’t nominated. If Project Runway doesn’t win two gay kittens will jump off a bridge.
10:00pm – TWO GAY KITTENS ARE DEAD! Gay kitten bloodbath! Amazing Race just won Best Reality Show. They have won like ten thousand Emmys. This would’ve been okay if Mirna/Schmirna were there to accept it.
10:01pm – Sally Field is presenting Outstanding Miniseries. Didn’t we already do this? SHIT! How many awards do TV people need? I feel like there have been ten million categories and I’m not exaggerating! JOHN ADAMS just won. Forrest Gump and his three chins are accepting the award.
10:08pm – Doogie Howser and that bitch with the voice that makes puppies cut their ears off are presenting an award. DON RICKLES just won! Seriously Don Rickles is saving this show. I hope he says something political and gets cut off!
10:10pm – Don Rickles is the EMMYS. And his son’s name is Harry Rickles. That’s a sexy name. Honestly, the Emmys should change their name to the RICKLES AWARDS.
10:12pm – Kate Walsh obviously just got up from a nap. Bitch fell asleep backstage she was bored. I’m right with her! Let’s do Speed and Red Bull shots!
10:13pm – It’s Mrs. Rojo Caliente! Do you think she kissed Rojo before she went on stage? I will put my lips to the screen just so I can get Rojo’s essence off of Cynthia. I really need to speak to my shrink about this Rojo obsession.
10:14pm – Some dude just won for Directing House. He’s kind of hot. Do you think he manscapes? Naw. I think he keeps his fur burger nice and fluffy.
10:16pm – Seriously, Kate Walsh is sleep-presenting. She is so not there.
10:16pm – Some little man won for writing Mad Men. His bald head is so shiny. And he has a cold sore or some red situation on his lip. He just thanks his WIFE?! I thought that bitch was strictly dickly. That cold sore situation on his lip looks like it came from a diseased peen.
10:20pm – A fucking Bagel-fulls commercials! Okay, so far that’s the highlight of the night. And now I want a Bagel-full and I’m completely out. Life is so unfair sometimes.
10:22pm – Glenn Close is wearing a black dress. All the older ladies wear black dresses. And she’s always wearing my abuelita’s veil as a shawl. If a bitch from RECOUNT wins…I fucking swear…
10:23pm – THANK CHEESUS! A bitch from Recount did not win. Paul Giamatti won for that John Adams baloney. He’s stuttering and being “smart actory.” He just said “anybody can play the president.” SNAP! I think…
10:25pm – Murphy Brown is presenting something and she still sounds like Murphy Brown. If that makes any sense. She is presenting Best Actor in a HA-HA Show aka comedy show.
10:26pm – Alec Baldwin just won. YOU RUDE LITTLE PIG! He’s hugging that escort lady. That gave him a boner. I know it. Ewww. Baldwin boner.
10:27pm – Vanessa Williams, I CAN’T FUCK HEAR YOU. Somebody fucked up and didn’t turn up Wilimina Slater’s mic. That was my third laugh of the evening. We’re on a roll!
10:28pm – YES!!!! GLENN CLOSE JUST WON! That’s a show I actually fucking watch. I like the dog in that show. He sees things no dog has ever seen before. And Glenn just said “cheeky.” How cheeky of her.
10:28pm – HOLY DAMN! Mary Steenburgen looks hot!
10:29pm – Okay, Glenn Close just called her other nominees “The sisterhood of the TV drama divas.” Um….she just ruined her “cheeky” comment for me. TV Divas? Why did you have to say that, Glenn?
10:29pm – It’s memoriam time. They just showed Estelle Getty 🙁 I miss her. But I’ll always have her on the Hallmark Channel.
10:36pm – I wonder if that Angus Chipolte BBQ burger from McDonald’s will make my asshole explode?
10:37pm – Keifer Sutherland has a voice that melts my arm hairs. He’s presenting Best Actor in a Drama. WHO THE FUCK IS BRYAN CRANKSTON? He just won and his wife or girlfriend is shaking her turkey neck arms in celebration. Bitch, put those things down!
10:39pm – I’m guessing this was an “upset,” because I have no idea who Bryan Crankston is and I don’t think I’ve ever heard of his show. Ewww. They need to stop showing his wife with the turkey neck arms!
10:40pm – Brooke Shields and Craig Ferguson’s joke kind of creeped me out. Because I didn’t only picture his hand on her ass, I also pictured one of his fingers in her a-hole. And Brook’s a-hole is probably…ok…I’m stopping. I’m starting to creep myself out even more.
10:41pm – If Tina Fey doesn’t win a gay kitten….TINA FEY JUST WON!!! A GAY KITTEN HAS BEEN SAVED. HALLELUJAH!
10:42pm – Tina Fey just told a joke about acting like Julia Louis-Dreyfuss to get through a scene. Julia made a fart face and then gave thumbs-up to the camera. Was that a diss or is it my gas acting up again?
10:43pm – The man who broke Sarah Silverman’s heart is giving the Emmy for best reality show host. Can you believe TY TY wasn’t nominated?! Ty Ty better storm the fucking stage and rip the award out of the winner’s hand!
10:44pm – Kimmel is doing a sort of funny American Idol bit to introduce the nominees for reality show host. Heidi Klum making queefy face was my fourth laugh of the night. HEIDI for the fucking win…
10:45pm – The winner will be announced after the commercial. They should have had crazy Paula Abdul give that award. But there’s no way she would have last this long. The bitch would be dead asleep in her dressing room toilet. If Seacrest wins, a gay kitten will not die, but I’ll be fucking pissed.
10:50pm – I think Jimmy Kimmel has teary eyes. Or maybe he’s just stoned. Okay, this reality show shit has gone on way too long. Just fucking announce the winner already! TRANNY LOVER JUST WON!
10:50pm – Jeff Probst won best reality show host. Julie Chen and Ty Ty were robbed! Seriously though, Heidi should have won this shit for the way she says Neeeeena Garcia’s name alone.
10:51pm – DAMN! Mary Tyler Moore is looking foxy, but she should have covered up her arms….. they are a bit… well… Let’s just focus on her key ring earrings.
10:52pm – BETTY FUCKING WHITE. Those whores in the audience better get on their knees and worship her!
10:53pm – Betty White’s eyebrows are amazing. I think she used a stencil. Gorgeous.
10:54pm – 30 Rock just won Best Comedy series. Alec Baldwin’s prostitute girlfriend is accepting the award with the others. Wait…maybe she’s not a prostitute… Well, she’s a writer for 30 Rock by day and a prostitute by night. I’m convinced.
10:55pm – DAMN!!! Tom Selleck – I’D HIT IT UP DOWN, AROUND, TO THE SIDE, IN THE GUTTER, ANYWHERE, ANYHOW!
10:56pm – I’d sit on Tom Selleck’s moustache and spin until my no-no hole went on strike…Damn…Tom Selleck is looking fiiinee – Oh. MAD MEN just won Best Drama Show or something!
10:57pm – The women of Mad Men are really hot. i love the ho in the green dress who is basically fucking with her eyes. Little Man with the bald head needs to the thank the titties that belong to the chick in the green dress.
10:59pm – IT’S FINALLY FUCKING OVER! Thanks to all of you who are actually reading this, because you didn’t fall asleep. And to those of you that are asleep, I hope you’re dreaming of gay kittens.
It’s fucking bedtime. The Emmys proved to be the strongest sleeping pill ever. Good fucking night.