I’m liveblogging the MTV VMAs tonight, so we can all torture ourselves together. Use one hand to hold mine and the other hand to hold an economy-sized bottle of vodka. You’re going to need it. If you don’t have any booze in the house, then rubbing alcohol and cough syrup will do. If you don’t even have that, then cut a little Drano with some tap water. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. And did you remember to make a very special Flaming Cheeto Loaf for this very occasion? If not, put one in the fucking oven and join me after the jump. JUMP!!!
8:57pm – FIRST!!! I’ve always wanted to say that.
9:00pm – HOLY FUCK! Cheetos just fell out of my ass! It’s BRIT BRIT!!!
9:00pm – That weave is crying for help.
9:01pm – Brit Brit is an amazing atress. Everyone, feast your eyes on the next Meryl Streep. Seriously, I can’t believe she memorized these lines. And that WEAVE! Woe is THAT WEAVE!
9:02pm – I have a feeling this is going to be very anti-climactic.
9:03pm – That audience is filled with like 10 people. That place is fucking tiny! Imagine what it smells like. Actually, don’t. I need you to be awake during this.
9:04pm – THAT WAS FUCKING IT?! That’s all Brit Brit has to give?!
9:04pm – Did Mad Max just vomit all over the stage? Alien Princess Ri Ri has arrived.
9:05pm – Tina Turner she is not. And is there toilet paper sticking out of her ass?
9:06pm – RiRi really should be lip-synching and is that seriously all of Brit Brit?! I’m expecting her to ride back in on a bike and slap the hell out of RiRi.
9:07pm – This is a mess. RiRi! For the love of your tenhead, please go back to your seat! And bring Brit Brit back out.
9:08pm – And while you go back to your seat RiRi, snatch off that rat tail and toilet paper from yo ass. Seriously. It’s not becoming.
9:09pm – Do you think Russel Brand’s carpet matches the drape. He must have a serious pubic bush. Pomeranian pubic bush.
9:10pm – What the hell is America Ferrera wearing? Oh wait. I think that’s Jordin Sparks.
9:12pm – A VILF? No.
9:13pm – You know how much I love Russell, but this isn’t a good start. Bury a condom? The polar bears will find it!
9:14pm – DJ Am is DJ Gross
9:15pm – Jamie Foxx is wearing too many clothes. He needs to show off those manchichis. And I’m AWAKE! Fuck. Barely.
9:16pm – Jamie Foxx should’ve come out as Wanda or whatever the hell that character’s name is. Brit Brit is going to win this award. If I lose, I’ll take a shot.
9:17pm – OH SHIT! Jamie Foxx shouted out all “the ladies” and they cut to Zac Efron. That fucking made my night. End the show NOW! While they’re ahead. And Zac was Cover Girl pretty.
9:18pm – Jamie Foxx is drunk. Or stupid. Or both. BRIT BRIT WON! I’ll take the shot anyway.
9:19pm – God is rolling his eyes.
9:19pm – Brit Brit seemed so “normal.” WTF?! Bring back the old days.
9:20pm – Where’s Dick Cheney when you need him? I see three donkeys right there (Pete Wentz, Heidi Montag, Spencer) that need to be shot!
9:21pm – That voiceover person is getting on my nerves already and we’re only at the first commercial break.
9:23pm – I’m so tempted to run out and get a Volcano taco. I wish Taco Bell delivered.
9:26pm – Wonky McValtrex needs a new vagina. Not a new bff. And a new eye.
9:27pm – Demi fucking Moore?! This bitch belongs on the Plastic Surgery Channel not MTV. Is there a Plastic Surgery Channel? Rumer must be pissed that her mother is Demi Moore.
9:29pm – Chris Brown won some award for Best Male. Do you think he has a big wang? RiRi is going to put a curse on him if he doesn’t thank her.
9:30 – OH SHIT! He didn’t thank her. She’s going to slap him with her tenhead tonight!
9:30pm – Taylor Swift has such little eyes. She’s like a Soap Opera baby.
9:31 – NOOOOOOO! Not The JONAS BROTHERS! SAVE ME!!! I need to run out and order a case of fucking vodka.
9:31pm – They look like ice cream delivery men and sing like female squirrels. And that one on the right (the old one) looks like a child touching english high school teacher.
9:32pm – Cloverfield Monster please save us from The Jonas Brothers!
9:33pm – Actually, Cloverfield Monster please save us from the Jonas Brothers’ crazy tween fans!
9:34pm – Is this the Sesame Street set? It makes sense since all I see is a bunch of raggedy ass muppets!
9:35pm – FUCK NO!!!!! FUCK NO!!!! Somebody kick Katy Perry. She is not singing Like a Virgin. SHUT HER UP! THROW A PIE AT HER! Kanye, throw some squid brains at her. NO!
9:36pm – Oh. Thank Cheesus. Katy did not sing the full version of Like a Virgin. She’s like a fucking idiot is what she is.
9:36pm – And Katy Perry’s outside should not see the light outside of a circus. On second thought, she should not see the light outside of a circus.
9:39pm – Yes, Katy, we fucking get it. You kissed a girl. Now fucking shut up and tongue kiss a fucking light socket.
9:40pm – How big is Russell’s chapstick?
9:40pm – The Dolphin Man (Michael Phelps) can survive out of water?! You know he’s going to get so much pussay tonight.
9:41pm – Dear Michael, stop talking and take off your clothes.
9:41pm – Leona Lewis is singing something. I can’t say anything bad about her. Except they forgot to turn on the lights.
9:42pm – Lil’ Wayne is rapping something and I’m very concerned about his pants. They look weepy.
9:43pm – You know those symphony people have no idea what’s going on. They are just playing instruments and keeping their heads down.
9:44pm – Lil’ Wayne has a red hanky on his right pocket which means he’s a fist fuckee.
9:45pm – WTF are these people doing?!
9:46pm – I’m so glad Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain’s performance is over. It was giving me the shakes.
9:47pm – Lezzie alert! HoHan wants to be vintage Ann Margaret so bad.
9:48pm – Screw HoHan! Where’s SamRo. She’s probably keeping the snatch hot in her dressing room. And Ciara’s hair has seen better days. It’s trying to touch the hand of Jesus.
9:49pm – TRANNY ALERT! The Pussycat’s tuck game is good tonight.
9:50pm – Is that a Pussycat Tranny or Maya Rudolph? And will they grow up already and talk like grown-ups! Nicole sounds like a slow girly gushing over her first kitten.
9:51pm – Miley singing in 19-minutes. Somebody end the world in less than 18-minutes. Please.
9:54pm – Why has my TV allowed Kate Hudson to appear on its screen? That “My Best Friend’s Girl” movie is going to be wet caca.
9:56pm – It’s the low-rent Pussycat Dolls, Danity Kane!
9:56pm – I think Audrey O’Day actually took a bath. I’m so proud of her. I’m voting for Taylor Swift for Best New Artist, because she has baby eyes.
9:58pm – The Twilight twinkies are going to present something. They are also wearing really ugly clothes. That boy needs to tuck his shirt.
9:59pm – Paramore are performing at the Whiskey and I need a few whiskeys to get through this shit.
10:00pm – I hope that Paramore bitch gives herself whiplash from bouncing her head around so much. Seriously, do people actually like this cockatoo yodeling?
10:01pm – That guy with the yellow guitar or bass thing is kind of hot. But this Paramore group needs to retire. Early retirement!
10:02pm – I think the MySpace Emo kids are the only ones who listen to this crap. They probably cut themselves to this shit, but I don’t blame them. I want to cut myself after listening to that.
10:08pm – Slash is in Eagle Eye? Or did Russell eff up. Slash and Shia LaDouche are presenting something. Slash does not fucking age. He still looks like hot shit and always will.
10:09pm – You know Slash and Shia shared a joint in the back. This is like the “old ass rocker” category.
10:10pm – Linkin Park just won something. Their girlfriends look like “edgy” soccer moms. That Paramore bitch is pissed! She’s going to have an angry MySpace blog post tonight!
10:10pm – Linkin Park wins the DOUCHIEST JACKETS of the evening award.
10:11pm – NO FUCKING NO! First Katy Perry butchers Like A Virgin and now Miley Cyrus is murdering Like a Prayer. Give that chipmunk a fucking nut. Pull up your pants, Billy Ray. I wasn’t talking to you.
10:12pm – Pink is performing “So What.” Go on with your angry dyke self!
10:13pm – These Sesame Street back lots need to go. And what in Doris Day hell is Pink wearing?! You know she’s going to rip off and a chainsaw is going to come flying out of her chocha.
10:14pm – Told you! Pink just ripped off her Doris Day coat and is wearing some leotard. Her lezzie crotch is out in full force! Thrust it, bitch!
10:14pm – Okay, it might be the booze talking, but Pink looks kind of hot. And the camera needs to stop cutting to that blonde bitch hanging out of a window. She isn’t camera ready.
10:15pm – Damn. I would bump no-no holes with Pink any day.
10:21pm – The Ting Tings! They just sang a few lines and pounded a drum. Gross. And now a big vagina and a bigger vagina are on stage (Ashlee & Pete)
10:22pm – It’s past these two pre-teen girls’ bed time.
10:23pm – It’s Halloween already? Slipknot is presenting something. I bet you Andy Dick is underneath that mask.
10:24pm – FUCK! I was wrong. It was McLovin’ underneath that mask. He looked better with the mask.
10:25pm – Lil’ Wayne just won something for Lollipop. The red hanky is still out! Who wants to fist him?
10:25pm – Lil’ Wayne forgot another thank you. THANK YOU for Slipknot being off my screen.
10:26pm – Did Jordin Sparks just diss the sluts! SHE IS DEAD TO ME! Purity rings are gross and sluts are forever!
10:27pm – T.I. is performing some kind of soft core porn scene. I really don’t know what’s going on. I just see a lot of cheap sluts with a beach of douchebags.
10:28pm – T.I. is now driving in a car. Oh please let it crash. PLEASE!
10:29pm – YODELING! Jewel is that you?
10:30pm – The Alien Princess RiRi rises again! Once is not enough for her ass. She looks about as manly as T.I.
10:31pm – Dear RiRi, Pink already took the stage. The bull butchie quota has been filled. And WHERE IS HER SHIRT?! RiRi! Cover those alien flaps!
10:32pm – Taylor Swift is busting it to T.I.! Her purity ring does not approve.
10:32pm – Somewhere there’s a bald cockatoo cursing RiRi’s name. She stole its hair!
10:36pm – If I promose to go out and buy Xtina’s “inspire” perfume, will they fucking stop showing this commercial?! ENOUGH with Xtina’s perfume commercial!
10:37 – The High School Musical homos are onstage. Zac makes those two chicks look like dudes. He’s so purdy.
10:37pm – What is on Ashley Jizzdale’s fucking head?! And Vanessa must feel weird being fully clothed.
10:38pm – WTF is XTINA DOING?! Tranny Clown is taking us to the dark side!
10:39pm – Xtina is doing like a German sex club version of “Genie in a Bottle.”
10:40pm – Is this Lady Ga Ga or Xtina?! Seriously. WTF?! I think I like it even though she’s lip synching.
10:41pm – Wait, is this Xtina or Brit Brit circa 2004?
10:42pm – And how is Tranny Clown keeping it together without her trusty red lipstick on?!
10:42pm – Her dancers are taking off their clothes and wearing some seriously gay club ensembles. SHINY HOMO ALERT!
10:42pm – I think Xtina’s homo superhero performance just made me gay….AGAIN.
10:43pm – Russell just apologized for making fun of purity rings. WHATEVER! Don’t apologize Russell. Tell all those complainers to suck a dick on sit on a wet vagina.
10:44pm – Chace Crawford is such a homo.
10:44pm – TOKIO HOTEL JUST WON BEST NEW ARTIST! Sonic the Hedge is dancing in the streets!
10:44pm – That Tokio Hotel tranny is the most amazing person on the face of the planet. I want to eat chocolate cookies with him in bed while.
10:45pm – Dear Jim Cantiello, I don’t want your “juicy” anything. Go eat a vibrator.
10:49pm – LL Cool J is rapping something when he really should be doing push-ups in the nude on the stage.
10:50pm – I’m going back to Cali….Cali…Cali…
10:51pm – Wonky is on my TV screen! SOMEONE GET A FLY SWATTER!
10:51pm – I HATE YOU PARIS! I FUCKING HATE YOU! Wonky ass bitch! I wish someone would “pop” her in the mouth. Well, millions have already, but you know what I mean.
10:52pm – Brit Brit is winning this shit or I will eat my own pimple juices.
10:52pm – Brit Brit just won Best Pop Video. She better thank Chester Cheetah or he’s going to disown her.
10:52pm – Brit thanked God AGAIN and her family (like she cares about them)! And she didn’t thank Chester! WRONG! No Cheeto love from Brit tonight. For shame!
10:54pm – Is this awards shit over yet? It’s giving me the dry runs.
10:59pm – Josh Peck and Drake Ball or Bell or whatever are presenting something. Drake Bell looks like a “Mad Men” extras reject.
11:00pm – Kid Pebble is performing. That’s our cue to go and drop a few shit pebbles in the toilet.
11:01pm – Kid Pebble is too old for this MTV shit.
11:02pm – While Kid Pebble is putting us all to sleep, let’s talk about the venue. Was this a rec room or some shit? Do they hold AA meetings their on Thursday night. That venue sucks!
11:03pm – Kid Pebble and some other dude are still at it. Brit Brit better run in with an umbrella, because this shit is boresville.
11:04pm – NUDGE! NUDGE! Kid Pebble is done. You can wake up now.
11:05pm – This “BUSTED” show looks kind of hot. And yes honey, you two look like prostitutes.
11:10pm – Here’s Kobe who is totally going to introduce Kanye West. That’s KANYE FUCKING WEST to you.
11:10pm – Oh, I’m wrong. He’s presenting video of the year. Kanye will have to wait. Brit Brit is going to win. MTV owes her ass for last year’s amazingly horrible shit show.
11:11pm – CHEETOS FOREVER!!!!
11:12pm – Brit Brit is in “shock” and Chris Brown is laughing at her hillbilly ass! RiRi bust him again with your tenhead. And by “shock” Brit meant medicated.
11:13pm – Brit Brit just rode off in a golf cart with Russell. It should’ve been an ATV instead. She’ll celebrate with a possum dinner with all the fixins tonight!
11:13pm – KANYE!!!! And he sounds like shit. But don’t tell him that or he’ll give you ALL CAPS.
11:14pm – Kanye, stop fucking singing! Stop! The children are going deaf. They are crying and banging their heads with rusty pants. Stop SINGING!!!
11:15pm – KANYE PLEASE! Don’t SING! I will give you my prized double dildo if you stop. PLEASE! My dog is on the brink of suicide. STOP! I love you. You’re wonderful. You’re God. Now will you STOP!
11:16pm – WTF is this song anyway? I can’t understand his lyrics, because all I hear is the horny cat screaming in his throat.
11:17pm – IT’S FUCKING OVER! FINALLY!
11:18pm – It’s the Lezzie from that one season of America’s Next Top Model. I liked her better then.
11:18pm – And it’s completely over. The End. Finale. Done.
Fuck that sucked. Now we can get back to more important things like surfing the web for free porn.
Thank you all for making this truly tortuous shit show not so bad!!!