Dear Maury, Your Assistance Is Needed

August 31, 2008 / Posted by:

Everybody and their pet fish has been e-mailing me this story, so obviously that’s a sign that I must post it. This is basically some Bree Van de Kamp shit. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the chick who is running as McCain’s VP, is being accused of faking one of her pregnancies. The Daily Kos thinks Sarah’s teenage daughter, Bristol, is the real mother of Trig Paxton Van Palin.

Yes, Bristol and Trig. Sarah also has three other kids named Track, Willow and Piper. I think they were named after Pottery Barn candle scents.

Anydrama, the rumor is that Sarah, a pro-lifer, pretended to be pregnant while her then 16-year-old daughter was the one who was really carrying baby Trig. Escandalo! Here’s some of the shit the Daily Kos is claiming:

In March, Sarah told everyone she was 7-months pregnant. Everyone including her staff said they were shocked to find out, because she didn’t look pregnant to them. They also said she’s always been thin, because she’s a runner or some shit.

Sarah’s 16-year-old daughter Bristol was taken out of her high school for 5 to 8 months. The high school was told Bristol had mono.

While attending some Republican convention in Texas, Sarah began leaking amniotic fluid one month before her due date. She didn’t check into the hospital. She gave her speech and then got on an 8-hour flight back to Alaska.

Sarah gave birth in a hospital 45-minutes from the airport. Trig, who was born with Down Syndrome, was one month premature. Sarah was back to work 3 days later.

I left out of a ton of details. Visit here, here and here if you give an eff. On the other side, there are a few pictures with Sarah sort of looking knocked up. Gawker also has a post claiming Bristol was in a car accident when she would have been seven months pregnant. The dude involved in the accident with Bristol said she “really didn’t look pregnant,” but he wasn’t really staring at her belly.

I’m so confused. Maybe I’m the one who gave birth to baby Trig. Shit, maybe I’m the father. Maury! Please help us! It’s the only way we can solve any of this. Bring them all on a very special episode of “The Maury Povich” show. I want Cindy McCain to read the DNA results though. That’s if she can read it through her Vicodin haze. I also want Tina Fey and Megan Mullally to appear on the episode just so I can see them next to Sarah Palin.

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