I Guarantee It Doesn’t Smell Like Roses

John Law is my favorite person of the day! He reviewed Jessica Simpson’s performance at the Avalon Ballroom in Ontario,Canada on Wednesday and he basically tore her a new one. Papa Joe, that’s just a saying. Jessica doesn’t actually have a new hole. You can break your boner now.

John writes in the Niagara Falls Review that the big-tittied frog talked too fucking much and explained what every song meant to her stupid ass. John writes, “Simpson needs to explain in exhausting detail what every single song is about, and the endless banter kills any momentum. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing.” I’d rather she get her jaw wired shut like Tammy did on “The Real World: Los Angeles.” Oh shit. Tammy was fucking crazy. I digress.

Throughout the nauseating night, Jessica said she was pregnant with an alien and also had a message from God about one of her songs. Of course, she blabbed about Tony Romo and slammed Nick Lachey for being a “cheater.” Same Jessica shit, different day.

Jessica even admitted she has a farting problem: “I do pass gas a lot. I guarantee it smells like roses.” Every time she opens her mouth, a fart comes out. And I guarantee you that it doesn’t smell like roses. It smells like Papa Joe slime, Ken Paves boogers, boiled beef and desperation.