Even Board Games Get Remade

August 19, 2008 / Posted by:

Every so often I notice that Hasbro updates “Clue” and other games by changing the look of a character or even adding new bitches temporarily. Do you remember that slut Miss Peach? She was always my favorite. Well, Hasbro has gone way too far this time. They have pretty much remade “Clue.”

The characters have now been given first names, made younger and their bios have changed. Basically, Hasbro is trying to get kids to buy this shit.

Miss Scarlet is now Kasandra Scarlet, a famous actress and stupid slut. Mr. Green is now Jacob Green, a mysterious and well connected African-American dude. Colonel Mustard is Jack Mustard, a former football playing douche. Professor Plum is Victor Plum, a billionaire video game designer.

Mrs. Peacock is Eleanor Peacock and Mrs. White is Diane White. You just know Diane White is probably an “executive assistant” instead of a maid.

Each character also has some kind of “special power” to help players discover clues faster. Whatever the fuck that means. I hope by “special power,” they mean a bottle of vodka. That’s the only way to get me excited about this fuckery.

The pipe, gun and wrench have been dropped and replaced with a pistol, ax, baseball bat, dumbbell, trophy and poison. Dumbbell?! At least replace that shit with things that make sense. Like Parasite Hilton’s vagina, a car driven by Brit Brit and one of Wino’s crack pipes.

They have also added new rooms including a theater, spa and guest house.

The new shit version goes on sale this Fall. Your ass better run out and get the old one before this shit hits stores.

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