Michael Phelps Just Got $100 Million Hotter

On Saturday night, Michael Phelps became the greatest human being that ever lived after he won his 10 millionth Olympic gold medal or something like that. Saint Angelina even bowed down to him for a quick second. Anybutterface, Michael’s 8 gold medals could earn him up to $100 million in endorsement deals. WTF? For splashing around in a pool?!

Michael’s agent spoke to the Wall Street Journal and right after he finished wiping the drool from his greedy mouth, he said, “What is the value of eight golds in Beijing before a prime-time audience in the US? I’d say 100 million dollars over the course of his lifetime.” His agent said that he’s been getting around 50 offers a day. 49 of those are offers from cougars and gay dudes who want to do the body butterfly with him on their waterbeds. You know who you are….MOM!

Michael already has deals with Speedo, Hilton and Omega. One industry expert said that if he leaves Speedo, Nike could pay him up to $50 million. Bitch better get that money! And once he gets it, he better build Debbie Phelps a crystal palace, because she deserves it! That woman is a diamond.

AND! Michael Phelps has already reached Chuck Norris levels of awesomeness. Someone started a website full of “Michael Phelps Facts.” Here are some of my favorites:

Water drinks Michael Phelps.

Every time you see a shooting star you are really watching Michael Phelps train in space.

If you look into the eye of a hurricane you will see Michael Phelps swimming.

Sure Jesus walked on water, but Michael Phelps swims through land.

Newborn dolphins learn to swim by watching footage of Michael Phelps.