As John Mayer left the gym in NYC yesterday, he talked to his best friends, the paparazzi, about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston. He said, “There’s no lying, there’s no cheating, there’s no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.”
He went on to say, “But she tied me to the bed with mink handcuffs, put on sexy lingerie and kept calling me her ‘mormon husband.‘” Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but Jennifer Aniston is totally the next Bernann McKinney. She’s going to try and clone Brad Pitt using the hair she cut from his head every night as he slept. Believe it.
When asked what went wrong with their fairytale romance, he answered, “Well, I figured out I was dating Jennifer Aniston.” No, he said, “People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.” Translation: “She poked holes in the condoms to try and get pregnant and I’m a man whore who can’t control his ‘Dominican penis.’”
Here’s Mayer with his brother in NYC last night. I know he’s related to John Mayer, because I can see the douche in his eyes. That shit is genetic.