Dane Cook Really Hates His Movie Poster

August 12, 2008 / Posted by:

Dane Cook has taken to his MySpace to whine about the poster from a movie most of us will probably never see. Dane listed the 10 reasons why he loathes it so much.

He lost me when he said his “left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.” First of all, it’s BRITNEY, bitch. Second of all, Britney’s delicate vagina looks more like the beautiful bouquet that dude from “American Pie” is holding.

The only problem I have with the poster is the fact that Kate Hudson and Dane Cook’s skanky faces are in it. Besides that, it’s fine.

Dane’s 10 reasons on why he wants to eat his own movie poster and poop it out are after the jump. Try not to scream “douche” while saying it and you’ll get a prize. JUMP!!

1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips:
It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh:
It’s no secret that I’m more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I’ve got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin’ bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would look at me and say “shit … that guys got flawless skin!”

7. Hair:
It’s actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin’.

8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:

A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.

Did you scream douche? If you didn’t, your prize is a tube of Maybelline’s Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick in apricot. Buy yourself one at your local Rite-Aid and send me the bill.

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