If you have plans this Sunday, cancel them all! If you’re getting married, cancel it! If you’re having a baby, cancel it! If you’re dying that day, cancel it! Even if you’re planning on going to church, cancel that. Actually, God may have already sent out a memo saying that church is closed this Sunday. What’s the reason? It’s only the most important day in all of our lives. People Magazine will unveil the first photo of the twin messiahs. The picture will make its debut on their website at 7pm EST. Set your alarm!
You must spend the day in your darkened bedroom with your eyes shut tight. You must prepare them for the sheer brilliance of the golden twins. I expect millions of people will temporarily be blinded by their magnificent beauty. Optometrists and ambulances will be standing by. You might want to wear a heart monitor too, just in case.
Yes, it’s true. People Magazine won the exclusive rights for the first pictures of Brangelina’s chosen twins. It’s rumored that they paid around $10 to $15 million, a record. Of course, the money is going to charity. I think the name of the charity is the “We’re Fucking Saints And You Know It Fund.”
The international rights have reportedly been bought by HELLO! Magazine for around $15 million. HOLD THE FUCK UP! Are you telling me they are making around $30 million off of some measly pictures of some babies?! Oh shit. Did lightning just strike me for calling them “some babies.” I apologize! Death, don’t take me now!
UPDATE: According to WWD , People and Hello! will split the $10 to $15 million payout. Still! $15 million for a picture of some regular babies?! FUCK! Here comes that lightning again.