When Lecy Goranson left “Roseanne,” I was so fucking sad. Becky #2 wasn’t the same. She was too classy for that shit and never belonged. No one could ever pull off a floral sweatshirt the way Becky #1 could.
Anyway, Lecy (I think she goes by Alicia now) was spotted reading tarot cards at the Gowanus Yacht Club in Brooklyn last Saturday. That bitch is the next Dionne Warwick! I don’t know if she does this for money or if it’s a regular thing, but I’m spending every night at the Gowanus Yacht Club, hoping to run into her. Sharing a twelve pack with Becky #1 while she tells me a bunch of bullshit sounds like my idea of a good time.
A long ass time ago I worked for a psychic line for like a day. It was hell and even I started to feel guilty about lying to people. One bitch asked me, “Is my boyfriend cheating on me?” I asked her, “What time did he come home last night?” She answered, “He didn’t.” So I said, “Yes. Yes, he is cheating on you.” You would think that the dumb bitch would have said to me, “Bitch! You’re the psychic. You should know what time he came home!” Don’t ever call those things! If you need someone to lie to you, call me instead. I lie for beer.