I’m sure you already heard the news due to the fact that millions are rioting in the streets, thousands of people are shouting from mountain tops and your pet has probably taken shelter underneath your bed. Lock your doors, turn off your electricity and horde your water, because the second coming of Jesus is here (aka Saint Angelina gave birth to the twin messiahs). I know, don’t you just want to burst into tears and bathe in holy water?
The chosen ones arrived on our planet yesterday in France. They can already talk, read, write and sing. Their SAT scores are already higher than yours and I’m sure they’ve already been shortlisted for an Oscar this year. A Nobel Peace Prize too.
Saint Angelina gave birth to a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Knox was the middle name of Brad’s pepaw. Marcheline was Angelina’s mother’s name.
Vivi weighed in at 5lbs and Knox weighed in at 5.03. Knox needs to go on the zone diet stat! Things in the Brangelina household are now even. 3 boys, 3 girls.
3 boys named Maddox, Pax and Knox. Those three should start a boy band and call themselves Triple X.
Saint Angelina’s doctor told the Associated Press (via People) that the chosen ones were delivered via c-section. He said, “The babies are doing well. The operation went just perfectly. Angelina is in very good spirits. Brad Pitt was at her side. He was there and all was well.”
Brangie’s lawyers also wasted no time in buying up every single domain name for their chosen ones. They purchased everything from knoxleonjoliepitt.com to viviennemarchelinejoliepitt.biz. They covered all their bases.
There’s good news though! Brangelinaisridiculous.com is still available!
So that’s that! You now must immediately shut down your computer and spend the day praying at your Brangelina shrine, begging for forgiveness for all the sins you’ve committed. Or you can just spend the day drinking until your eyeballs roll back into your head. Either one works.