They Are All Trash!

Take a good look at 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann, because this could be the last time you see her looking so innocent, normal and pure. It’s only been a few days since Michael Lohan came forward claiming Ashley was his secret love child. He has since taken back his claims and is waiting for the results of a paternity test.

Ashley’s mother, Kristi Kaufmann, has wasted no time in whoring out her child and she’s reportedly trying to get her daughter a record deal. It looks like White Oprah has some competition in the “Greatest Mom on the Planet” contest.

A source told MSNBC’s The Scoop, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” Um…that isn’t saying much. The corroded peanut my pooch pooped out this morning has more talent than Ali. Seriously, it does. I’m in negotiations with White Oprah about being its manager.

A family source also claims, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan.” Riddle me this, who in that family has singing ability?

Kristi Kaufmann isn’t the only dumb bitch trying to make a quick buck off of a child. Michael Lohan is trying to make a deal with OK! or People for the exclusive rights to his paternity test results. Michael’s asking price is only around $20,000, but nobody is interested. A Source told Page Six, “He’s approaching everyone to get the highest bid because, if he is the dad, he’s going to need the money for back child support.” What about Maury?! Seriously, Michael is a dumb fuck for not asking Maury! Maury is the only person who is allowed to say “You ARE the father!”

And it will only be a matter of time before lil’ Ashley is covered in orange grease and stumbling drunk out of cars. The Lohans kill innocence faster than Jacko does!