No, You’re A Douche

For their August issue, Out Magazine talked to the guyliner-wearing, walking vagina known as Pete Wentz aka Mr. Asshole Simpson. Since it’s a gay magazine, Pete talked to them about all his gay experiences including kissing other douchebags.

Pete said, “When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that. And I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was. Like, ‘You make out with this dude and we’ll make out.‘” Pete first kissed a dude when he was around 16 or 17 on a dare. The last time he kissed a boy was around 7 years ago. You know Papa Joe was sitting in on that interview thinking, “He better not say shit about about our special times together!”

That quote just confirms that Pete is a first-rate mega douche. Pete went on to say that he’s never gone below the belt with another dude, “It’s really about the equipment. I really don’t think it’s an attractive quality. That’s what it comes down to. I don’t even like my own. Like, I really don’t like it. I don’t like anything about it.”

Excuse me while I go have a heart attack and weep like Wino in front of an empty crackpipe.

Dick is not pretty?! Anybody that thinks dick is not pretty needs to go stick their head in a manhole (not that kind of man hole). Dick is a gorgeous thing. Good dick will make you praise Jesus in the morning. Good dick will make you punch a guppy in the face. Good dick will make you empty your checking account and sell all your belongings.

Dick is the most beautiful thing in the world. And I hate Pete Wentz for saying it isn’t. I HATE HIM.