Not A Visual I Needed To Have

The image of Michael Lohan blowing his lumpy man chowder into a plastic cup is not what I needed today. Barf. You know that shit is like Campbell’s chunky New England clam chowder. Double barf.

Anygross, Michael told E! News that he gave a DNA sample this morning for a paternity test. I know that it was probably done by blood or another way, but you know Michael insisted he drop his junk in a plastic cup.

Last week, Michael told the press that he had a secret daughter. He claims he effed some hobag named Kristi while he was separated from White Oprah. Years later, Kristi told Michael she had his daughter, Ashley, now age 13. Michael is now changing his tune, because he thinks something in the milk ain’t clean. Why did I just say that? That made me think of Michael’s chunky chowder jizz again.

Michael said, “We were together in July of ’94. I think it was just before The Parent Trap came out because that’s when Dina and I were separated. [Kristi] left me and went to Houston, Texas, and she met a guy she lived with there for a year.” Um…The Parent Trap came out in 1998. Somebody enroll this dumb bitch in a class at Sylvan Learning Center.

Michael went on to say that Ashley was born in June 1995, so he doesn’t think the timing adds up, “She had me so convinced. She had me snowballed.” Snowballed?! I bet she did and I bet Michael loves eating his own chowder….OK! I’ll stop. I’ve gone too far. No more talk about Michael’s chunky chowder!

He will have the results in 10-12 weeks and said he’s willing to step up if he is in fact Ashley’s daddy. By “step up” he means he’ll whore poor Ashley out to Hollywood, so that she can make some easy cash for him.

And Maury must be truly depressed that he didn’t get to handle this shit.