American Greetings unveiled the all-new Strawberry Shortcake today. She got her hair straightened, lost some weight, got a bigger head, put on some green contacts and put on a little bit of make-up. The company also said she eats fruit instead of gumdrops and chats on her cell phone instead of playing with her cat, Custard. NO! That’s fine if they want to turn Strawberry Shortcake into Strawberry HOcake, but keep Custard! And what the hell does she need a celly for? To check in with her pimp?
You want to hear something even worse than Strawberry being without Custard? American Greetings is also planning to give the Care Bears a makeover this fall. They are going to lipo some of their fat out and give them longer eyelashes! NOOOO!!! They are going to look like whores too. Care Bear Whores! Can we just timeport back into the 80s? Please! It was so much simpler then.