40-year-old Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio was arrested for fucking his picnic table. The dude was doing sexy times with a damn picnic table! Remember the man who was arrested for fucking a bicycle? I understand that, because bicycles can be sexy. There’s nothing sexy about a picnic table.
Art was seen by neighbors on 4 different occasions fucking his picnic table, always between 10:30 a.m. and noon. Mid-morning delight! One neighbor even videotaped it and turned the tape over to police. The Bellevue police caption said, “The first video we had, he was completely nude.” That must have been an exciting day down at the police station. They all gathered around, passed the donuts and laughed their fat asses off.
Police think he was fucking the umbrella hole in the table. I hope that for Art’s sake the table was made out of plastic and not wood. Splinter dick can’t be pleasant.
I will never look at a picnic table the same way again. I always thought they were so innocent and only their to provide wholesome fun. But now I know what brazen hussies they really are.