She Could Use A Dildo Or Two

March 9, 2008 / Posted by:

The other day I wrote about Brit Brit getting some cheetothrax in the mail from crazed bitches. Brit’s camp has apparently contacted the FBI, because some nutfuck has been sending her weird letters and packages.

OK! Magazine reports that Brit started receiving crap about 6 weeks ago. It started with just 1 package a week, but now it’s up to 2 or 3 a week. It goes to the same Los Angeles address, but never to one of Brit’s homes. A source said one of the packages contained a sex toy.

The sourcie said, “The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender-colored, battery-operated sex toy. Still with the price tag on it.” Two letters came with the sex toy. One was handwritten and the other was written on a computer. Sourcie added, “The handwritten one is on note paper and it’s written in a crazy, all-caps chicken scratch.” AGAIN…is Brit writing this shit herself?! Some people send flowers to themselves and some send dildos. The letters described how they want to do sex to Brit.

The package also contained a picture of some dude. OK! describes it: “Perhaps the scariest item inside the package is what some believe to be a picture of the sender — a middle-aged caucasian male with stringy, greasy hair — with the eyes cut out of the photo, in which he appears to be squirting some sort of yellowish liquid into his open mouth.” Yellowish liquid? Cheeto jizz! He knows the way to Brit’s heart.

The packages come from Minneapolis, Minn. Brit’s team has already handed everything over to the FBI. Um….can’t they just knock on the door of the return address? I’m a fucking genius! Call me Agent Clarice Starling.

Honestly, Brit could use a dildo or two. Maybe this way she’ll stay away from the landing strip douches. It’s better to get dildomatized than dickmatized.

Here’s Brit at dance practice the other day. She looks sad. Brit, turn the frown upside down with the help of a dildo friend! It will do wonders.

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