Crack Baby Alert!

A 20-year-old girl has come forward claiming she’s 3-months knocked up with Pete Doherty’s baby. Laura McLaughlin is the god-daughter of Sir Alex Ferguson who runs the Manchester United football team. She told the News of the World that she knows Dreamboat is the father, because he popped her cherry. She said she met him a year ago through mutual friends.

Laura is the daughter of a multi-millionaire and plans to attend Harvard law. She claims her unborn baby was conceived after a sex-fuelled weekend with Dreamboat in October. She never told him she was a virgin. She said they used condoms, but on their last night together the condom broke.

She said, “We continued to have sex regardless as it was the last condom we had.”

Laura told Dreamboat that she was carrying his baby over Christmas. He asked her if she was sure it was his. She said, “His apathy has been traumatic for me. I wanted the baby to be as big a deal to him as it was to me. But it wasn’t. One minute he is excited and telling me, ‘How good-looking is our baby going to be?’ the next minute he’s saying, ‘You deal with it’.”

Laura has yet to tell her parents, but I’m pretty sure they know now. Pete’s rep denies that he’s ever met Laura. Dreamboat already has one kid.

People should not use condoms when sexing with Pete. They should use a straight-up bodysuit along with gallons of antibacterial gel. Actually, scratch all that. They should only have cyber sex with Pete. Even phone sex is too risky.

If she’s knocked up with his baby, she’s totally going to pop out an 8 ball. She better keep her 8 ball baby away from Dreamboat, because he’s going to try and snort it up.

Bitch is lying though. Dreamboat’s spermies don’t work. The crack killed them all.