Essentially harmless (as far as we know) cheese ball (confirmed, also possibly literally has cheesy balls) Orlando Bloom did a “day in the life” interview for The Sunday Times that includes passages like “I like to earn my breakfast so I’ll just have some green powders that I mix with brain octane oil” letting us know we dodged a serious bullet when Orlando hooked back up (and procreated) with Katy Perry instead of Gwyneth Paltrow because could you imagine? And in a separate interview for The Guardian UK subtitled “The actor on stage fright, entitlement and losing his poodle,” Orlando talks about his favorite possession, a Buddhist scroll, and how he and Katy aren’t having enough sex. He’s so very earnest. And it’s nice to know that there’s at least one person in the world who takes him seriously even if that person is himself.

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To Goopy Paltrow, being at the Met Gala was a lot like being trapped in the wet, hot fart of a poor person who just ate cheap Mexican food. She hated almost every second of it. Well, the feeling might’ve been mutual. People at the Met Gala hated Goopy being there as much as she did. The National Enquirer says that Goopy wasn’t lying when she said she was hot, because apparently her pits were as juicy and moist as a roasted organic quail coming out of her $50,000 La Cornue’s Grand Palais oven. Some source tells The National Enquirer that Goopy’s pits don’t lie:

“Poor Gwyneth looked picture-perfect, but it must have been the hot lights that caused her to be a little strong on the nose. It was pretty pungent, and I don’t think she had a clue. I saw at least two people wave their hands in front of their noses after passing her.”

One of Goopy’s friends said that she doesn’t use deodorant, because she read that the aluminum in some deodorants can increase your chances of getting breast cancer. So she uses that crystal rock crap and other stuff instead.

This entire story has almost made me put my bong away for the weekend, because the thought of people plugging their nose while walking by Goopy has taken me up, up, up and away! But the truth is, the middle-class and the bougies just aren’t used to smelling the scent of the blue blood royals. Goopy’s pit stank probably smells like platinum bullion, Yangtze River dolphin queefs, red diamond dust, slightly seared Kobe beef and a hint of organic Saffron.

Of course the middle-class and bougies wouldn’t understand her natural aroma. They just don’t have the noses for it. It’s kind of like when Goopy let her laundress taste the coagulated jizz balls of white tigers she had imported in from Bengal. Goopy’s laundress spit it out and Goopy patted her on the back while saying, “It’s okay, it’s not your fault you were born with that palate.” So Goopy doesn’t hate those bitches who said she stank up the room. It’s not their fault they were born with the nasal palate of an ordinary peasant.

Here’s musty Goopy and Chris Martin leaving some party she threw in London the other night.